"Hope" lies dead. Part 1

It's been 2 weeks since the virus broke out. When I heard the news, all those nightmares, all those movies, all those fears came true. I saw as my own family was ripped apart by a mad beast. Now I seek one child who they say can help save us, with a cure. It's been 2 days since I heard this, and 1 week to pick up drifters who can help me. I don't understand how they could let this happen. The Religious people say it was an act of God, but why would he let his children suffer like this. Others say the government was making something that can raise family members, with some side effects it seems. Anyway, as we make out way through the abandoned streets, parks. I began reminiscing about the times we spent in the park. Now all those memories are wasted away. With no idea what I was doing, I found myself parking us in the middle of the street. I sat there, crying, wishing this was a bad dream. As Tom the war vet said, "We got to get to California. We wont make it with you doing this every time you see something of your childhood." "I know", I said, "just gotta...." And without finishing my sentence, we heard it. The Most terrifying screech any man should ever hear.

We all look to the left, and saw them. "GO GO GO!" said the hobo. I started the car, it was off to conserve gas, and it wouldn't start. Just my luck. "GO!!" I tried to start the car, as one of those freaks bashed against the car, I pulled out my Desert Eagle, and shot that son of a bitch in the face. It started, now all we had to worry about was getting enough speed, to drive away safely. I Look in the review mirror as I saw someone on the ground, bleeding as the sun's lights showed through the tree's making the blood almost look beutiful. "We lost Abel." "Nurse, we know." I looked at he face in the mirror, almost as if his face said, "Wait." or "Why are you leaving me to die!"

5 hours pasted, as we stopped at a farm, see what supplies we could get, or survivors. The Sunset looked beutiful, if only it meant another good day. But what we knew what that meant was that the wave of failed mutants would come crawling out of the sewers. We opened the door cautiously, hoping nothing would bit our face off as we opened the door. The war vet searched the rooms with his M16. The son of the war vet searched the closests in the rooms with theM1GARAND with grandpa gave to him. The Nurse a combat shotgun, searched the bathroom and kitchens for stuff to eat and heal our wounds. And I and the hobo only holing an Axe waited outside with me, watching for any of the dead. "Who thought that something like this would happen?" He said. "Who knows Jacob. Maybe it was for war, but planted in the wrong place." "Maybe we deserve this, I mean look at what we've done to this planet, to the world. No God is going to look out way, we failed on his creation." "Well you never know, maybe he has something planned for us." "Yeah, sure if he's out there looking our way." "Guys I found something!" Said the Veteran. Seemed important. It was in a safe they said. We all looked at it, couldn't believe out eyes. Maybe this is the answer to our questions.

Hey man great story. We havn't had alot of great ones this month and I really appreciate this. I like your characters alot. Keep writing more additions please. If i had to say anything bad about this, I would say its a little bit farfetched (average survivors, including a hobo, looking for the cure to humanity.) But its interesting and thats all that matters. Great job!

DeadApe wrote:Hey man great story. We havn't had alot of great ones this month and I really appreciate this. I like your characters alot. Keep writing more additions please. If i had to say anything bad about this, I would say its a little bit farfetched (average survivors, including a hobo, looking for the cure to humanity.) But its interesting and thats all that matters. Great job!

Thanks. I was a pretty good writer as a kid. Writing these little stories for class. I haven't wrote in a while, so i thought this would be the best time.

I don't have time right now to read the rest (I will but I am due for some cod with some friends) but, after reading this I am seeing some errors.
Now before you see this as a bad thing let me tell you what your story accomplished.
It gave me the feeling of pity for the survivors and some descriptions weren't that bad. I really felt some of the pain of the survivors.

Ok now for the bad news (don't worry this will only help)...

So quick dialog lesson. I see most people write dialog like this:
"Shit, let’s go!" cried man 1. "NO! MY WIFE IS IN THERE!" "YOUR WIFE IS ALREADY DEAD!" admitted man 1.
This is bad DON'T WRITE THIS!

This is good writing :
"Shit, let’s go!" cried man 1.
"NO! MY WIFE IS IN THERE!"
"YOUR WIFE IS ALREADY DEAD!" admitted man 1.
It may look weird but it gives you a better scene on who is talking as well as making it easier on the eyes to read.

Now for the spelling. I usually ignore miss spelling but some just caught my eye and just kind of annoyed me. Proof read you work and put into word or down load a web browser with spell check (ie: Firefox or Safari).

Alright now for the description and suspense (the good stuff). Alright so every time I am writing a scene I try to get the reader to feel, see, hear, smell, and sometimes taste what the characters are feeling...ect. For an example (not the best but I am lazy), I quickly wrote something down to help you.
"I lot of shit has happened and I need to get it out. Dave came into my life a year after my dad got into that accident down at the lab. After that my mom started to drink heavily and she went to rehab. That’s where Dave comes in. Next thing you know they’re married and I taking off my pants for some dick wad. Every waking moment it was the same, I wake up sore as hell, go to work, and come home to a horny ass hole that can’t seem to keep himself in one woman at a time. The day I left is still way to clear to me…
I had come home from school to see my mom crying. She was sitting in a chair in her beautiful nightgown. Its silk white had tiny puddles of red velvet dripping on to the hardwood floor. The whole house looked dark compared to her. He tears glisten in the light like diamonds. Comforting her didn’t seem to be enough. She was devastated. Her face seemed dark and then was buried in her long worn hands. I stroked her long cascading hair and asked her what had happened? A white flash hit my eyes. Blinded, dazed and in pain I lifted my head to see a tall man standing in the dark. He had a glistening bottle of scotch in his hand. My fucking “father”. Everything else was just closed eyes and struggle. I opened my eyes to the eructating pain. All I remember looking at was my mother and she mouthing “I am sorry.” The rest is blank. It was more of me screaming and kicking. I woke up after the grunting of the fat prick was done. I laid there for a good 15 minutes listening to them yelling. Finally, they went up stairs. My mom was obviously forced. She kept saying how she can’t leave me here.
“FUCK YOU! Come one baby she will be there tomorrow… come on let’s go up stairs baby…”
I sat there. Waiting. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to. I was in so much pain..."
I don't intend on finishing it so if you need some practice by all means. (Btw it’s Debby from my story. Couldn't think of anyone else to write about.) I hate to seem like a fag for posting my own story on your topic but, I hoped I helped. I will read the others and again if you want to take this story and make it your own (weather you change a sentence and add your own bit or re-write the whole thing idc.) go for it! I really want to see your true potential and hopefully this helps you.

Now I am off to go play some COD!

ok man thx tht really helped. and fire fox does check the words, but not the grammer. like on some sentences, i spelled out instead of our. and i knew it would change something in the story or confuse the reader. so thx for ur help